for those of you who read this and worry:

i'm okay.


really.

and i do love him.
but im just a kid and





well thats it. i guess.

i love you <3

but you know its me.
you know its me.
come and whisper in my ear
youre very pretty dear and
and.. it'll be alright

YOURE LYING

but i dont mind tonight.

_______________________________

the same old same old. i wonder if i will remember what i meant by that years later. ;)

sitting around at my house thats so filled with little stories, and feelings, and plans. were tearing ourselves apart. im listening to mewithoutYou as i often return to at this time of year. i remember when i bought A too B life for the first time and it was freezing cold outside and i would listen to it on repeat sitting outside in the cold on a cd player. what good music. it just resonates in all the places i wish i was brave enough to explore but i am not.

i do not exist.


i'd
never
want
someone
so
crass
as
to
want
someone
like
me.

an anchor ever droppped, sea sick yet still docked.

theres no need to be strong, we keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short.

i do not exist, only faithfully insist.
and if you'd ever come around
i'd hold up high a mirrow
lord, i could no show you anyone as beautiful as you.


*deep breath*

i have always had a knack for understanding when things are coming to a close and maybe its me that makes it that way but i dont mean to. maybe i am running so i dont get run over first. maybe i push away because i knew all along that i loved him far more than he loved me, and that can only end it heartache. heartache i dont want to face. and i dont have to. all i have to do it wait for the right moment or the wrong one really, and run. its not like i havnt done it before. every boyfriend, every family, every friend. "its spring and i should leave.."

maybe its the weather. if i havnt written that in a journal a couple million times. its never the weather. its me. im stuck in it, and i like it. introverted and darkly musing over what i have left before i leave.

every year. every month, every week might as well be.

im tired.
i want to dissapear.
why does it always take so long for me to figure out?

its obvious.

but how ironic. its sick too.

am i forcing him not to love me, by being this way. or am i accepting reality that this is all crazy and cant last as long as i could hope.

and the songs over and over and over and over again. it feels good to just say it.

good in a way that breaks my heart like waves.

he doesnt love me.
its not unconditional.
he could just as easily keep heading west and fast as he settled here.

and i dont matter.

im just a girl.
from a country he isnt even stuck in.
much less this house, my heart...

i dont have time. never time. i want to sleep or smoke or both or leave.

but i dont want to stay thats for sure.

i can hardly look at you

and you know his sister says that i shouldnt worry about it
that i should enjoy the good times and ignore the bad.

what life is that?

so that i can keep breaking my self and compromising so that i can have soemone around to pretend with

im not sad

im not mad

im not happy though./

im just calling it what it is.

you could never love me, and i see that.

im sorry for it too, because i would in an instant give you the world and i told you that.

along time ago.

and look at the things i've done, and do.

all you do is turn away.

and do whatever you want. everytime its what YOU want.

and you just let me keep giving.

fuck you.

Maybe different, but remember
Winters warm there you and I,
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
The river swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I,
with muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good, as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee,
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us...
It was good good love.
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of today's afternoons, hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

That I should'a done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me?
What day is this
Besides the day you went?

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoons, hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could?

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this?
Besides the day you left me
What day is this?

its not morning.
its back to sleep
to redreaming

i cant wait til forever.

<3

im sunburnt.
im tired.
im getting sick.
im broke.
im listening to mewithoutYou.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

go to pandora.com

its THE coolest thing in the world.

dude. you know what i've noticed. i go back and read text messages, emails, voicemails, journal entries, and bulletins or comments, and think to myself.

you are such an idiot.
because i half way remember saying them
much less the reason i would ever say that.

hahahahahaha, and then i remember..

" i was gonna clean my room, but then i got..."


dangit.

i wake up exhausted.
its not morning.
its back to sleep
redreaming
were alone
and were happy
but there you are
angry with me.

are you alright?

i can stand up straight.

Oh, my talking bird
Though you know so few words
They're on infinite repeat
Like your brain can't keep up with your beat.

And you're kept in an open cage
So you're free to leave or stay.
Sometimes you get confused
Like there's a hint I am trying to give you.

The longer you think, the less you know what to do.

It's hard to see your way out
When you live in a house in a house
Cause you don't realize
That the windows were open the whole time.

Oh, my talking bird
Though your feathers are tattered and furled
I'll love you all your days
Till the breath leaves your delicate face.

It's all here for you as long as your choose to stay.
It's all here for you as long as you don't fly away.


++++++++++++++

sometimes really famous bands just write songs for me and my life.
this is one of them.

of pictures from my cell phone, that were taken over the last couple of months. in these times, i have felt more intensely the happyness and depth of joy, and expierenced a new level of awareness that this world is big, and i am very very small.

i dont know whether to cry, or smile. but it's beautiful here...

" i once fell in love with you...
just because the sky turned from gray to blue..."

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Down to the bottom

I wanted a junction and often there was one
You'd surface face first and we'd share our thought bubbles
And I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn't fair to cross

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

Your depths made a pressure that punctured my works and all your fluids couldn't tolerate the force of my thirst
I love the place where we shared our tiny grace
But because it's real doesn't mean it's gonna work

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer


__________________

Seriously?!?! listen to this song immediately

anna: listen to Autumns Child by Devendra Banhart

i want my heart to break
if it must break...
in your jaws.

it is is formiddable
the eventual truth

it is that look...
of the lioness...
to her man
across the nile

you cant get here fast enough
you cant get here fast enough

i will swim to you.
i will swim to you.

_____________________________

i sit and stare. these moods are tearing me apart.
and it shows in the words i record here (maybe thats why i do)
pftt... i dont know. moods are moods.

fuck being positive all the time.

why would you be? life isnt always positive. what beauty lies there, if you are always on top.

someone understands.

& i will find them.

make me the happiest.

i am so comfortable, im almost numb.

the sun shines slow here, and the colors are brighter.

laughs are longer, breaths are deeper.

smiles are bigger...

its beautiful here, i dont have a thing.

but im rich.

im in love with this life.

sleeping is impossible.

"gooooodbye to sleep, i think this staying up is exaclty what i need."

i feel...lonely. i bring this on myself i think. i make decisions for other people and then look back and realize that everything i built for myself is washed away now.

i feel like i dont have much. notice i say feel, because i KNOW i do have things. but every human feels things they know are not true, and sometimes wallow in it.

sometimes thats appropriate.

sure, i could just forget all this and go back to lay down besides a good thing in the bed we've made... but i know me.

and i cant do that.

i have to write it down, i have to listen to playlists made specifically for these realized once dormant emotions.

bright eyes, sister hazel, shit... even rhianna.

whats deep anymore? or is everything deep? i cant figure out the obvious things. as soon as i get to an ending point of feeling like im growing up, and figuring the world out, i look back and feel nothing. like im empty and i have nothing, and i start all over again.

when i was younger i thought that the periods of time between "best friends" or "phases" in my life would continually get longer and longer until eventually i was with one person for the rest of my life that was always constant.

tonight, i FEEL the complete opposite.

the older i get, the less time it takes. and everyday im closer to running away...

"now i do as i please, and i lie through my teeth.
i should probably feel cheap, but i just feel free...
and a little bit empty"

like the modest mouse song says " but, its almost spring- and time for me to leave"

what am i afraid of? when will i just step in. i get closer everyday to realizing life is simple, and then the next moment- i feel terrified and confused.

pfffft.

i know that i am so powerful and beautiful.
i feel hopeless and lonely and ashamed.

i would say pray for me, but would that help?
i would say send good energy, but is that real?
i would say just kill me, but that would be too easy and too hard all at once.

tomorrow when i wake up i will feel fine.

im going to try and do the adult and healthy thing and just talk to him

thats what this new life is all about, right?

its for the best

It is for me the eventual truth
Of that look of the lioness to her man across the Nile
It is that look of the lioness to her man across the Nile
Wanna feel my heart break if it must break in your jaws
Want you to lick my blood off your paws
You can't get her fast enough (x6)
I will swim to you (x4)
Whether you save you me
Whether you savage me
Want my last look to be the moon in your eyes
Want my heart to break if it must break in your jaws
Want you to lick my blood off your paws
It is for me the eventual truth
It is that look of the lioness to her man across the Nile
It is that look of the lioness to her man across the Nile
And you can't get here fast enough (x6)
I will swim to you
I will swim to you

===========================================

it's difficult not to worry about what happens next
certain looks sort out confused looks
and certain looks sport confused looks
and I watched us talking in the mirror
and you put on that look
that says this little star wishes she weren't single
it is the eye that catches me a man protesting his worth
it is the year that catches you putting the shake on your words
you are alert as a tigress at a common table with her fate
you can almost taste it
we'll be gone be morning or be together by then(x2)
and I believe every woman has made up her mind to win

today... my kitten died.

lola was a beautiful and loving street kitten that my boyfriend and found, and took care of in our home. She was a great friend, and I loved her dearly.

It was her time to go, because she was very sick and now she is in a better place.

i love you, lola. always.

i went to the pool today after waking up at 3:30pm. That's pretty much it.

haha. life is good. i work tomorrow from 10am to 2pm during one of the busiest times at the studio, other than christmas. it should be fun, but i think its going to be stressful. For some reason, I really like my boss. She's wonderful.

*WAIT* hahahahahahaha. I just remembered that my boss called me on the way to the pool today and said i didnt have to work until six tomorrow hahahahaha. im so out of it, i didnt even remember that.

i am learning more spanish right now. its very hard. que me regales. thats my newest mountain to conquer. its really hard to say the rrrrr. i think its almost impossible for me. but i am determined to get it right.

i think im going to finish this post now and hang out with my boyfriend. el es muy bonito!


chao!

hello beautiful. i just wanted to say that i have been re-reading over your livejournal posts and i think you are so so so so so gorgeous inside and out and i miss you so much. its insanity how much i love you.. and my nephew and my brother. god, you're adorable.

you are a perfect mother and wife, to the best of my knowledge. haha.

can we hang out soon? i hope so. i read about how you were feeling lonely, and empty and you know i feel that way a lot. a very lot. and i think that when we are together we feel happy, and full because you are so enlightening to me, and inspiring.

i cried when i read about you being emotional and telling ezzie that he would be a big brother. what a beautiful story that is unfolding in your life...

i want to be apart of you, and your family. i love you, i love you,i love you.

more than life.

call me soon, i lost your number.

lets sit in the sun, and make jewelry, or draw pictures, or eat a picnic, or read poetry, or paint...

or hold hands and smile at the glory that is rapidly filling our lives.

forever,
jess

this is the story of my days. well, not everything in my life is represented there obviously- but the feeling behind this picture, captured on a beautiful and wonderful...almost supernatural day.

it reminds me that the people i love the most are all around me, everyday. this love has thoroughly captured me by surprise. who could have guessed that i would so deeply care for them.... what a wonderful surprise. you get what you deeply desire, even if you dont know it until after you've received it.

oh life... *sigh*

its incredible. this week has been deep-down-cleansing-feel-good-renewal-hopeful-loving-and-warm-beautiful-sensational-great!

word to THAT.

but what for?

++++++++++++

im listening to sister hazel. your winter is an amazing song, and i want to spend time with someone who feels the same way and has a strange inclination to listen to songs like the aformentioned on repeat.

which brings me to my next thought... i miss my little brother. andrew- you will probably never read this but i love you more than life, and i cant wait to see you again. you know you are my first choice for pretty much anything much especially sad playlist QT smoke breaks.

and jared... pftt... i just dont know. what happened?

today is a good day. its very early and i've been up for hours. im going to run errands that i put off all week, and when i come home (to my new and amazing and beautiful life) i will wake up my boyfriend for the long day he has ahead of him and kiss him good morning.

i hope you know happiness and peace of mind the way i do....